When I was baptised in 1999, I only had some basic knowledge about God, Jesus and why it was important to believe in Easter. I was taught the basics of Reformed Presbyterian teachings and why they separated from Rome. The latter is worth a whole article in itself, because it’s a very peculiar way to interpret Church history. So I had catechism lessons for a little more than 9 months, I guess when I was baptised. In the years that followed, my faith began to grow and I developed the skills to inquire on my own. I had questions, but usually those questions were answered by delving a little deeper in Church history and theology.

At one point, I really had troubles with making sense of the theology surrounding the Lord’s Supper. It didn’t seem logical and consistent. Something was wrong, and I assumed at first it was my understanding of it, that was was wrong. So I really started to do serious Bible studies on the topic, I read what the church was teaching on it, and also how the Reformators taught it. It struck me that I noticed a difference between modern day Calvinism and Calvin himself. So slowly but surely I went ‘back in time’ by reading St. Augustine (who is being quoted extensively by Calvin). It struck me how there was a difference between St. Augustine’s writings on Predestination and Calvin’s interpretation of what St. Augustine is writing. That’s where the first cracks appeared in my foundation.

When participating in the Lord’s Supper, I felt like I was doing something different and calling it Lord’s Supper then the first christians in the Bible did. Something was definitely wrong, but I couldn’t tell what. I started to ask questions to my minister, but didn’t get any replies other then “it’s being taught so and so, and that’s how we believe it.” What I wanted to know is WHY we believed that and where does it show it’s the same as in the early christian period. Focus was on ‘remembrance’ of Easter, but I don’t need to participate in the Lord’s Supper to ‘remember’ what happened back then. Also: when it’s a sacrament like baptism which can be only administered by a minister, why are we supposed to take our own piece of bread and take the chalice ourselves? The longer I thought about it, the less it made sense to me. And asking questions didn’t help, because I wouldn’t get any answers. At one point I distilled from the Bible (basically from the Gospel of John) that things only make sense when Christ is truly present during the Lord’s Supper. And when I discussed that with the elder who came to visit me, he went pale and said I could no longer participate during the Lord’s Supper, because I had ‘papist’ beliefs. I was confused, because I didn’t believe that the piece of bread would turn into a piece of flesh or that the wine would turn in blood. It was just bread and wine with Christ being present in it, making it for us something different than plain wine and bread. With hindsight I believed exactly what the Catholic Church teaches in the doctrine of Transubstantiation, but I didn’t realise it until Catholics explained how the doctrine worked.

Between that period (2002-2003) a lot happened and a lot changed. My vision on what a sacrament actually is and does took form and I could explain what I believe and base that on Scripture. I also could explain my faith better. The tension between me and the congregation of elders and other Presbyterian members only got worse. Presbyterian friends who knew about Catholic teachings and Catholics themselves would point out to me I was reasoning very Catholic, it only looked Protestant because I was using the Protestant vocabulary. I always dismissed it, because I truly believed that my belief was a Protestant one. At one point I sensed the tensions were because I was believing different and it wasn’t Presbyterian Doctrine I believed in. But it also wasn’t Baptist, Pentecostal, Lutheran or anything else. It wasn’t Protestant, but I felt it was very close to believing Protestant.

Early 2008, so much later, I lost my job and after that the economy made a nose dive. I had plenty of time to think about stuff. What did I want with my life? What did God want me to do? And I have to admit, I didn’t like what I noticed. At all. I noticed I was on a path towards the Catholic Church, but I didn’t want to go there, at all! I really did look into Mass and other Catholic devotions, but they were so alien compared to what I was used to that I just refused to go there. It was nothing theological, it was just a gut feeling that withheld me from venturing deeper into Catholicism. It was a leap of faith I couldn’t make. I remember how I would tell everybody who would hear it that I wasn’t becoming a Catholic any time soon. That was last April. It’s now December and I’m a Catholic. So, something happened…

It started during the weekend of June 7 and 8 last summer. My friend H. celebrated his birthday in Utrecht, which is in the centre of the country, so I had to stay the night there, which wasn’t a problem. I remember repeating that very day that I couldn’t see myself as a Catholic ever after a conversation went into that direction. The day after, on Sunday, we all went to church together. I distinctly remember that service. It was a very good service, with good music, not too liberal, not too orthodox. The sermon was good, it was about the church being built out of living stones instead of being a building made of bricks. God is shaping us to make a church building out of living stones that fit perfectly. After the service I needed to go home by train. A train ride between Utrecht and Groningen takes about 2.5 hours. A lot of time to think about things.

Something bothered me. The church service was perfect, in the Presbyterian sense of the word. Everything was done right, the songs, the sermon, the prayers. But I was missing something, but I couldn’t say at first what it was. It weren’t the songs, it wasn’t the sermon, maybe it were the prayers. After a while it started to sink in I missed the Lord himself. We had been singing about the Lord, we had been praying to the Lord (well, the minister did on our behalf), the sermon had been about the Lord, but the Lord Himself was very far away. It’s like the difference between talking about someone because he isn’t there, and talking to someone, having a conversation. When I go to church, I want to have a conversation with my Lord, a face-to-face like interaction. You have that a little bit when praying, but I sensed a church service should be more than talking about someone. You should talk with someone. A sense of sadness came over me. I missed Jesus so much!

Suddenly I realised that this was the missing link: I missed Christ’s presence. So where could I be in Christ’s presence? There’s only one church I know of, that allows you to do exactly that: the Catholic Church. I was shocked. I really longed for Christ, I really wanted to receive Christ, but in order to be able to do so, I had to become a Catholic. There was no other way.

After I arrived back home my mind went over it over and over again to arrive at the same conclusion over and over again: I had to become a Catholic, there was no other way. I knew also that orthodox Catholicism would be very hard to find, especially in my neck of the woods. Therefore I told a Catholic priest I knew, of my desire to become a Catholic and I wanted to know if there was a parish near me which would be reasonably orthodox, since I had no desire to repeat the whole ordeal I had in the Protestant churches I’ve been to again. Fr. Roderick’s facial expression when I told him was priceless. I honestly never have seen someone looking so baffled before.

Before giving me the information I wanted, I had to write him an e-mail in which I explained how I arrived to my conclusions. He remarked that I was ‘awfully close to the meaning of the Eucharist in the Catholic Church’. I found that out myself too, so that’s why I wanted to become a Catholic. So he pointed out I should go to the parish in the local cathedral, since he knew the priest over there was seriously orthodox. Even more orthodox then he was. I didn’t knew that was possible, so I sent an email to the parish administration and waited for a reply. Two days later I received a phone call from Fr. Wagenaar in which we agreed that I should come over for a chat on Thursday, which was about four days later.

The first thing I thought when I saw Fr. Wagenaar was: “Oh God, an older man, I thought Fr. Roderick said this priest would be orthodox!” Most Dutch priest of a certain age (in their sixties) were ordained in the roaring sixties and seventies and a lot of them have a very particular interpretation on what ‘Catholic’ is. Usually as a rule of a thumb I avoid Masses said by priests in that age range. But since he had Fr. Roderick’s sign of approval I just went in and wanted to know what he had to say. I remember him asking about my prayer life and what kind of prayers I did. He was looking genuinely surprised when I mentioned I did all prayers of the Divine Office (hey, they are very Biblical, okay! ) and also the Rosary, which surprised him even more. When I mentioned I also make rosaries (all-twine knotted ones) I probably wasn’t really convincing as a Protestant anymore. We also discussed saints in the Catholic church and the Eucharist and concluded I already believed all of that. No discussion about that. Second meeting was a week later, on June 18 when Rome announced we had a new bishop. This made Fr. introduce Catholic hierarchy, to conclude I knew that already too. So I went through the fast-lane catechism lessons and was confirmed on August 10 last year. That’s how it went.

It’s a long story, but I haven’t talked about the other cool thing that happened barely a week and a half after my Confirmation in a convent near Salzburg in Austria. But that’s a story for another time.